Sunday, March 24, 2013

Hello Blog.

Today I am disappointed. 
Lots of exciting things could be happening today, but they are not. 
They were canceled. 

Now I am stuck in my room...looking at jobs I don't qualify for and trying to not be disappointed. 

I am disappointed. 
But I am still ahead, so I can't complain. 
That is the problem sometimes. The fact that I can't complain. 
I want to tell people that they disappoint me.
But they did not ask me to expect things from them in the first place and the gestures were from good, genuine places...and it is not their fault. I am not disappointed by people, just disappointed. 

Besides, if I tell them, then their condolences and time is just pity time. Then I feel manipulative. 
Disappointed to get what I want. 

I graduate in 2 months. 
Isn't that scary? 

A few months ago I really felt like I was going to be ok. 
Right now, shadowed in disappointment, I feel like there are limited opportunities. 

UGH. I want to tell someone that I am upset. That I am anxious. and disappointed. 

I will tell my blog. 
Janet's Blog = the never read, occasional ramblings of a girl not talking. 

I am too sensible to post it on facebook. 
This is one of the posts that will get read only by me, or someone who decides reading all my entries is a good idea. 

Bottom line, I am disappointed, and guilty and selfish for feeling that way. 





I want to ramble forever. But this blog is associated with me. One day someone could read it. See how whiny I am in my moments of vulnerability. 
Sorry reader, I promise I am not a wuss 99% of the time. In fact, the only reason I am now is because I am in my room, and I am sure no one will see me until my emotions are long gone, and I can recognize how whiny, unnecessary, and silly I am. (except blogging makes me feel better) 


FUCK.


Thursday, February 7, 2013

...reading?

The other day Marisa told me she liked my writing style. Now, I don't even know if I actually have a style. I also don't really ever write for fun. I like writing with a purpose because, as I told Marisa, so long as it fills that purpose, who cares if it is good. I mean something interesting is helpful, but it satisfies the needs, then whether or not it is eloquent is an after thought. 

I do have a couple things I have written. A few short blurbs I keep in the folder "wiring samples." I figure if it is labeled "writing samples" then the pieces serve another purpose, meaning they could potentially be sent to someone as a sample of my "style." If they have purpose, who cares if they are good right? 

Anyway, here are my samples. Unfinished, some untrue, ocassionally purposeful, and all chock-full of grammar errors. 
All anxiety provoking, because now they can be read by whoever reads my blog. (I am going to believe that is no one).

1. Inspired to Serve (2010) 

Macon, Georgia is my home; I’ve never lived anywhere else. Same street, same house, ever since my parents brought me home from the hospital. It’s an ugly house really, red brick, grey porch, green shutters, shielded from the street by clusters of pine trees. The yard is scattered with a combination of grass and tire marks from the cars. We always had a lot of cars at the house, people frequently commented that it was tacky, but to me it was normal. Each car had an owner, and every time I came home, I could tell exactly who was going to be inside based on the cars in the yard. There was always someone inside because my parents never turned anyone away. When my aunt and uncle got a divorce we welcomed in my cousins, and the living room became a bed room. When my cousin’s girlfriend needed a place to stay, there went the family room. My territory had begun to shrink. However, I would not have traded the close living quarters for the Biltmore Estate. When my cousins were invited to live with us, I may have lost rights to the living room T.V. but I gained two brothers. I was also shown true generosity at work. My parents never turned anyone away, even when there wasn’t much more than Ramen soup for dinner, they made sure everyone had a bowl. It is probably the most important thing that I have learned from them: give what you can. With this inspiration, community service has become a vital component in my life. I have learned that not only do you impact the lives of others when you serve your community, but you create a ripple effect inspiring others to do the same.

2. The ‘76 Olympics (2011) 

As each brother walked up, I sized up my competition, trying to mentally prepare myself for the challenges I knew were fast approaching.  I was ready. My team and I had thought long and hard about the challenge we would bring forth, and did everything we could to prepare ourselves for whatever obstacles they threw our way.  Today, we had a name to represent, because today we were not simply brothers of Alpha Phi Omega, we were brothers of the Mu Mu chapter, and today was the ’76 Olympics.
This past November some of the brothers of section 76 participated in the inaugural ’76 Olympics.  While the competition was not nearly as fierce as I described, if you replace the perceived intensity with fellowship and friendly competition then you might understand our experience. Three chapters were represented and ready to compete, Delta Kappa from Emory University, Gamma Zeta from Georgia Tech, and my chapter, Mu Mu from Oglethorpe University. Each chapter came prepared with games in which we would compete and a team ready to honor their home chapter.
Mu Mu was first up. Our supplies were simple; we had a tug-of-war rope and a strategy: lean back, pull hard. This proved effective when the girls from all 3 chapters took on (and beat) all the boys. Gamma Zeta’s game, unstable isotope, tested our team work. In this game each team had to successfully lift a coffee can with only string and a rubber band. Daunting as the task may have seemed, teamwork is something the brothers know well, and each team was successful. Following a quick game of Taboo and a snack break, we were ready for Delta Kappa’s Ultimate Frisbee challenge. Each team sent in their best players, while the other brothers cheered them on in the sidelines.
Ultimately, it was the brothers of Delta Kappa who won the honor (and bragging rights) to be the champions of the premiere ’76 Olympics. At the end of the day, we joined hands in fellowship and each added our own chapter’s twist to the toast song. Through the Olympics, we embodied the cardinal principle of friendship and decided that the ’76 Olympics is a tradition we want to keep.

3. Skylight (2012) 

There is a giant whole in the ceiling, just above where my bed used to be. I remember when the leak first started, we pushed my bed to the other wall, and continued on with our lives. You see my parents never were a “fix it and forget it” type of people, they had more of a “cover it up and ignore it” mindset. A mindset resulting from a one-income household with about 4-too-many mouths to feed. My parents always made it work though. In my house, you learned to really evaluate when you actually needed something, or when you just wanted it. When the leak got so bad and the ceiling fell through in my room, you would think we needed to fix it. But, with a couch for my sister and me up studying in Atlanta, closing our bedroom door satisfied their mindset. When I came home from college, a matress on the floor adjacent to my sister’s couch turned the living room into mine and my sister’s new bedroom. While it did not have the same skyblue walls or privacy of our previous bedroom, it also did not come with its own unintended skylight.
I remember one break back a home, the heat had gone out. Being between paychecks and with a stack of medical bills to worry about, a space heater was set up in the living room. With my matress on the floor, making it the closest seating area to the space heater, I got a pretty sweet end of the deal. Perspective right? 

4. Anxiety (2013) even informally writing on my blog, I always write about anxiety...I think because it is such a strong feeling....anyway: 

I feel like at any minute I won’t be able to breathe anymore. My breaths are gradually working their way up my chest, losing their grip on the bottom of my lungs. The depth usually characteristic of breathing is gradually slipping away. I try to take in long, drawn out breaths, inhaling and holding it in searching for a very different kind of high, but a calming one none-the less. The air pools in the top of my lungs, spilling over into my stomach, but never quite making it back to the bottom of my chest.
My heart is equally uncontrollable. While my breath is shallow and soft, my heart is strong, throwing itself against my ribs. It is not fast, but it is persistent. The pulse in my wrist, knock on my chest and ring in my ears won’t let me forget that it is there. Maybe it is reacting to my general passive acknowledgement of it, the underappreciated organ which is keeping me alive. I have even less control over my heart that my breaths. I want to be unaware of the beat, but the more I try not to notice, the more apparent and debilitating the sensation becomes.
When my heart and lungs decide to rebel, my eyes generally follow suit, swelling and over flowing.
At that point, if I decide to open my mouth and address the issue, I begin to slip. I visit each sensation again and again as I make my way through the rungs of the downward spiral I am on. I spin and spin into exhaustion and sleep. Eventually I wake up into a tomorrow that, even when seen through swollen eyes, is significantly brighter than the day before.
Anxiety generally gets the best of me. I allow myself to slip on something despite the friction I have created. I think that is when it is the hardest. You create something you think it stable, reinforcements and traction. When you inevitably find a spot where the grooves don’t meet and you lose your balance, it hard to not just let go. Sometimes it is the other way around. You polish things until they shine and everything looks new and perfect, but that is when it is easiest to slip, one surface too slick and down you go.
It is important but difficult to remember that when your heart is so apparent and your breaths so quick, what matters is that you are breathing. Your heart may be loud, but it is going. As uncomfortable as anxiety is, it is a propelling force. Nothing initiates motion like the fear of what will happen if you remain stagnant. Similarly, nothing holds back harm as firmly as the anxiety of letting it in. Maybe anxiety is not as tough as it seems, and maybe that is enough to calm my nerves. 




And those are my samples. 

Sunday, January 20, 2013

ranting about resumes

After a submit my latest job applications, I always consider my resume finally "done." However when the next application comes around and I pull out what I once considered a well polished document, all I see is some dingy sheet of paper that is far from finished. With that I do more research, read more opinions, and fill my page with more red ink until I once again feel like I simply could not create anything more all-encompassing, anything better. My resume is a finished document in constant need of revision.

Every time I need to rework my resume, I spend way more time than will ever actually matter, invest so much more than will ever be noticed.
I obsess over which format, subtle change, or bullet point will be "correct," which decision will finally take it to the next level.
I mean, there are plenty of wrong resumes, so there have to be right ones.

Think about it, when push comes to shove...there may actually be certain sublties that produce more job offers than others.

Maybe there is a standard preference, maybe it varies by industry, maybe it does not matter at all.
Should I list the city? months? What should be underlined, in italics, bolded, or ALL CAPS?

I don't think most people care this much. Every time I write a cover letter or update my resume, Google gets going to find the latest opinion about what is best.
Maybe it is Research Methods, and my education actually peeping through, but I am done with opinions. I want evidence. I want a book that says, "put the position before the company because it is shown that in general that style gets more job offers."

I tell people I love resumes and cover letters and job hunting, and job applications...I don't think they take me seriously.

Really. I do. I do in the I could read and read and learn and learn about them and never get bored or feel like I have a full grasp on the subject. That is what people feel when they are passionate about a subject right? (haha, My name is Janet Wood, and my passion is resumes.)

I think all the time that my heart is in Career Services, then I think that even if my heart is there, my head is not. My head tries so hard to be practical.

So there you have it, my resume rant.

Happy MLK Day. :)

Sunday, January 13, 2013

...planning.

People are back. :)

I bought a new planner. I was thinking a Moleskin, but I could not justify the $...but I found another awesome planner! So win-win. I am about to put all the things in it.
And Marisa is spending the night. We are doing 30 Day Shred together, starting today. I am excited!

My life has been wonderful lately. For all the awful it was last weekend, it was perfect this week. My life: Justin and I went and decorated coasters this weekend. It was expensive, but I had the best latte of my life...and so much fun!

I want to make mugs with him next. Cheaper and at home. I pinned a board about it on Pinterest...but I have to convince him first! He told crafting with me is only kind of fun. Lol, it is kind of like playing a video game or sitting in a psych class with him. We all have our talents haha. Still, I want to make plates and mugs!! :) Plus he is perfect for doing it with me, it was spontaneous, relaxing, and perfect.

Today people got back. I got to have dinner with Leah, Brooke and Marisa. Olive Garden. Yum Yum.

Tomorrow, THRIFTING WITH TES OHMYGOD I CANNOT WAIT. Seriously. I can't. Jesus.
And Hillary. More Hillary.
AND JADE IS BACK IN AMERICA AND AT OU.

My life. Jesus Christ it is more than wonderful right now. I just keep remembering how many people I want and have back. :)

I can hardly stand it.
I feel like my ogle-bubble is inflated again!

Anyway, that is all for me today. Planning time (aka...one of my single greatest joys).

Happy Everything

Wednesday, January 9, 2013

...smelling the flowers

I am very content and pleased with my life today. :)

I got my first day off in forever, and spent it with lovely things and lovely people.

Here is a rambling of my day, because sometimes as boring as recounting the day may seem to be, there are just some days you should remember:

I started the day with Marisa. We went to the strangest Panera I have ever seen. It is like a renovated bank or Dr.'s office or something...(I am still trying to convince her that Panera > ABC)
After Panera, beverages.
Marisa and I have weekly coffee dates during the school year, so her visit today had to include coffee. Normally we go out, but with plans to go to the movies and dinner and lunch out, we decided to save some money and make use of my espresso machine for some homemade lattes.

This meant I needed milk, and run to Kroger for milk turned into a stop at the Dollar Tree as well.
I came home with one of those fancy apple slicers that cuts out the core, measuring cups and spoons, sponges, wine glasses that have a blue tint and a clear stem (to match my blue plates and bowls), $0.99 flowers, and of course what I actually went to get, vanilla soy milk.

We headed back to my room made some delicious iced-mocha lattes, and goofed around taking pictures until we left for the movie.




We decided to see Cloud Atlas at the $2 theatre. All we heard about the movie was no one knows what it is about.
After we saw it...I can safely say I am still not entirely sure...but I read a summary of the book online, which sounds interesting and more organized, and I plan to get it from the library.

After the movies, we had dinner IHop with Christian and Kara, then Apples to Apples and tea in my room.

Now I am in in my room with two candles lit, making things smell wonderful, and my flowers by my bed, reminding me how necessary $0.99 flowers are.



It was a perfectly simple day, and I will tell you one thing, a day I have been needing.
My head has been a little all over the place lately, and it is nice to go to bed with a clean room and a clear mind.

Tomorrow I get to have non-work or lunch break related Justin time, which I have not had in over a week. (and yall, with my life and my brain this week, I have needed it, besides...in Justin-Janet world..that is a very long time) Friday I get another dinner with Kara, Marisa, Christian, and Justin...and Sunday I get Tes back.

Happy dreams tonight. :)

Monday, January 7, 2013

...not blogging

I am so done with people and things.
I am done with my emotions begin haywire and regretting things I said.
I am done with this messy room.

I have a headache. I am annoyed...and I just want to publicly bitch and moan about it.

I am exhausted.
Running non-stop for days. I think I really just need a break and a day to relax, but another early morning tomorrow, and inevitably, another late night tonight.

D-O-N-E.

My head hurts, my feet hurt, my stomach hurts.
I am drained and I just want some more patience.
I don't want to suck it up.
I want to demand something.

I don't want to blog about being upset, but when I am stressed, it is such a good outlet.

I am sick of washing machines toying with my emotions and which ever safety officer that answered being a little too rude.

I want to not have to tiptoe.

I am not ready for school to start back.

I just want to have some fun and not have to worry about what I have to do or who I will upset next.

This weekend has been absolutely awful. It is a combination of being tired, hormones, and trying to figure out what is best, thinking I figured it out...and finding out I was completely wrong. Disappointed and disappointing.

I want to not feel guilty for asking for patience, understanding, and time.
I don't want someone to talk to me. I want someone to be here in my room, giving me a hug, and telling me it is ok, that is what friends are for.

I want to not be afraid that an emotional weekend is going to turn into an emotional week, month, semester.

I don't want to get headaches when I cry.
I am sick of headaches.

But mostly I am tired. Mostly I have a load of laundry (cough ,3) that will be done in about 5 minutes and I need to clean out my basket from my last 3 loads.

I want a hug.

Sunday, January 6, 2013

...the host

Last night's sleep was more of an off and on tangle of being woken up, and trying to sleep again. I got to sleep at about 6am after being horribly upset and anxious. Conveniently Justin's tire went out just a little earlier, so he was awake. :) I feel much better now.

In other news, do you know what I am getting excited about?
Learning to cook.
Having an apartment and creating these delicious and beautiful meals and inviting people over to have them.
Really.
I want people to be impressed with the things I can make. I am sure I can make impressive things. I just need a full kitchen and a salary to get some groceries, and a place to entertain. :)

I have 20 pages of recipes saved on my computer. Maybe I will try one a week. Host a regular dinner party and invite people. Some people will come every time, sometimes it will be groups of my friends, some people will only come occasionally, and inevitably, sometimes I will eat alone.
Dinner party of 1.

I mentioned that I am weird about spaces. I like to have a space to share. I like to have a nice space to share. I can't wait to start out in a nice space.

Sure the thought of buying furniture and enough stuff to actually fill a space seems incredibly daunting. The thought of moving it all seems even more frightening, but Justin reminded me last night that it won't all happen in one day. I will have time to go from getting a job, to a car, to a place, to a couch.

I want to have a coffee and tea station in my kitchen. It will be fantastic.

My first dinner party (a house warming party...gifts welcome :p) will be fantastic. All sorts of people will come.

I can't wait. :)
Happy things on the brain today.

One more week for people to get here.

Happy one more week.