...somewhere else

anxious, alone, and thinking.

My weekend has been largely uneventful. At the same time, a lot has happened.

I want people to want to come over to my space. I keep asking Justin and Tes to spend the night, but neither has, or indicates that they will. I mean, they both have really nice apartments, why stay in my dorm room when we can go to their apartments? ...because I want them to.
I feel like it is the only space I can offer. I don't even go home, so I can't offer them to spend the Holidays or a break at my house. I can't take them on trips like they can take me. I don't even have a car, so I can't offer them that space.

I don't know. Maybe it is too much, but I just think it is nice to offer your space and not feel like people are avoiding it. There is less to do, but there is not nothing to do.

I just want to have something equal to offer. :/ but my dorm is what I have, and it is avoided like the plague.
Part of me feels like since I can't contribute that to them, I have to cut back what I take in other places. Like, I have a lot on my mind right now, and I want to ask if I can steal one of them away. For part of the time to talk about it, part of the time to do something to get my mind on other things.

Maybe it is the 5am talking. I think it is.
Space is just really important to me. I remember how excited I was to have this big room. I could offer to let Justin stay with me, it was kind of like an apartment, so maybe people would want to visit. People do. Ronshalee does, Marisa is staying this week.

I want to just text someone and be like, I am upset, I need your attention, but I can't. It is a case of the 5am blues and that does not constitute an emergency.

Sometimes I wish I would have another panic attack because then I could unselfishly take someone's time. Then there is no disputing that I need them. Until then, I can deal on my own.