...asleep

Being awake is going to drive me crazy.
The longer I am awake, the more restless I get.
But, at least I cleaned my room.
Being anxious helps me clean. And the common room is clean too. The good thing is, at least it was not mop the floors or clean the bathroom levels of restlessness. Just enough tension that I could not sleep and the sight of my messy room drove me into a cleaning frenzy.

I have a tendency to blow things out of proportion, even how anxious I am feeling. Ha, I blow them so out of proportion that I write a blog about them and elaborate on how restlessness turns me into Mr. Clean.

It is 2:30, I have a meeting at 9:30, but I am not sleepy anymore. Funny how you can go from almost being asleep to not being able to even relax or cut off the light.

And, in my cleaning, I misplaced my remote, which makes staying up harder. haha, funny....

Maybe a blog entry will calm my nerves (they are good for that), and then I can find the remote, put Adult Swim on mute and fall asleep.

In other news, today was pretty wonderful.
I worked at my last opening day at The Cup. I still have one more day, but I am closing that day...
Anyway, things went smoothly. I still get pretty nervous about the alarm since I set it off last week, but no more mishaps yet, and so long as things go smoothly on Thursday, then I am golden. I think I can do it. :)

Today the owner was in town, so at first, the day was stressful. I had a lot to do to get the store looking in tip top shape, or shape that my boss would approve of (and that is the tip of the top). While getting ready, a woman called, told me her drama of getting her 4 year old's cupcakes ready for her birthday party today, and basically said we were the only place in town selling cupcakes on Sunday. They wanted pink ones, so with permission from my boss, I scraped the rainbow sprinkles off the vanilla cupcakes and got to work trying to make presentable pink cupcakes. Cupcakes that The Cup would be proud of.

I did not do half bad. They were actually kind of cute. Nothing compared to the other cupcakes in the store, but plenty good enough for a Barista's work and a couple in a bind. When the husband came in to get them, he was so thankful that I got a $10 tip! My largest tip ever. And, now I can officially say that I have decorated the cupcakes.

Then I came home, did nothing for a while and took a long nap. It was well deserved and needed. At least from this vantage point.

After that, I went out for dinner and had such a good time. :) And ran in to some OU alums, which is always nice.

Now I am tired. Still a bit restless, but I was able to refrain from cleaning long enough to write this post, so I think I can be still long enough to go to sleep. Besides, without quarters or waking up my suite mates with the vacuum, there is not much more I can clean.

I guess I could pack, summer moving is soon...but I think I will try to sleep while my eyelids are getting heavy.

Good night.

...done with this cover letter

Things that are driving me crazy/on my mind today:

It started as a wonderful day. Full of potential. So wonderful, I dubbed it a dress day. :) So I have on my new dress from Target. I even straightened my hair.

I then took my body test on wii fit.
Things I am learning: I need to pick one day a week to weigh myself. I have done it everyday this week and it is toying with my emotions. Justin says it is muscles. I mean, I have been in my calories all week and adding in more fitness, so maybe so. Regardless, 27lbs down so far. No scale until next Saturday. Mark my words.

Anyway, after I got ready for the day, I went to a meeting and got some sad/happy news, and a wake up call. Well, the news was the purpose of the meeting and the wake up call was more self-induced.

What was the wake up call? I need to get my life together. I have direction, opportunity, amazing opportunities, I just have to sit down and figure out what I want and go for it.
So here I am, at work, about to knock out a cover letter and updated resume and try to get an internship.

This year is mine, for me. I am taking it to reconnect with people, enjoy college, take and make opportunities for myself and get on the fast track out of Oglethorpe. I love it, but let's face it, graduation is 10 months away and after that I will not be here anymore. I burried myself in OU the past 3 years, it is time to branch out and prepare for the real world, and enjoy OU along the way.

So far, that plan is working! I have wonderful job opportunities opening up, I am working to reconnect with people I regret losing touch with, and so far senior year looks pretty bright.

But, I have a few things that I need to do before then. Like this internship application, I need to figure out my classes for the fall. I have a full schedule, but if I do the internship, what will that mean? Do I need to take some business classes? Oh mentor, where are you?

For now though, all I have to worry about is today. And today is wonderful. Gym and maybe swimming laps with Justin. Then, Marisa is coming, we are having dinner with Kara and maybe Ari, Then Ced's play and ogle-family time. We will probably end tomorrow with a Dunkin Donut's run, as we should.

Then internship application, last morning opening at The Cup, and work to end my weekend. Things are good. :)

Happy thoughts.

...on a bike

So today Justin took me to LA Fitness for the first time, I also did Spin Class for the first time.
Justin told me that when he first did a spin class it was really hard and he stopped in the middle.
I decided that I was not going to stop. I brought a huge bottle of water so that I could make sure I did not have that as an excuse.
Besides, when I take a break, it always seems much harder to get started.

I also told myself that no matter what, I was going to do the gears that the instructor did and try to do the positions that he did.

I did it! I made it through the whole class. Yay me!

Honestly, I did not think I would like the class at all. (confession: I thought I would be the weakest one, and everyone would notice...I thought I would not be able to finish, ha. Self-conscious)

Justin wants me to go to his kick boxing class tomorrow but I have not been to his class in a while. Since I know that he knows me so well, I am so scared that I will not just be another person in the class.  Maybe he will pay no more attention to me than he ever did, but makes me self-conscious anyway.

Oh well, I think I may go regardless.

Most things are never as bad as I assume they will be.
I remember once I was in High School and going to get a shot, a vaccine or something, and I freaked out for the entire week before my appointment. I was so nervous. I did not think I could take it, the shot would be too painful. Brandee even told me that she would give me $5 if I did it. I had shots before, but for some reason this one made me so nervous. Fast forward, It was nothing. Like really, nothing, the shot barely hurt. Unnecessary freakout #1.

But in other exciting news, I have 2 OU people willing to sell me their bikes! I am so excited, I have been wanting to ride a bike all summer! Ideally, I would get one with a basket...because I plan to use the bike not only for fun and exercise, but for transportation as well.

Ah I am excited, I want a bike so badly!! I can't wait to explore the neighborhood on it!

Happy gym day!

...a fish

Minimum wage is not rocket science. It is not that complicated. And yet, some how I manage to make it a pain.
I was so proud of myself today, so friendly, good tips, did everything they asked us to do in our meeting and even closed the place efficiently. Except, when it is time to leave, I forget something on the counter, run to move it, put in the wrong code and set off the alarm.
Oy.

But I am back in my room now, my boss called and was really understanding. It's all good. Happens to the best of us.

 I am thinking of getting some dinner and Family Guy is on, so things can only go up from here. :)

Best thing? I get to sleep in tomorrow and then Marisa comes, and that is always wonderful. Really, there is nothing much better than wife time. Except roommate time, but I suppose I have to wait for school to start to get that.

Yall, Marisa was just here last week and I feel like I need her back already. You know when people understand your life and you have parallel problems? Not the same, just parallel. Maybe that makes no sense, but it works for us and that is what matters. :)

Side note, people are wonderful sometimes (most of the time). I have been forgetting why I love them lately. I have lost myself and my sense of direction for a while now, and it has really been weighing on my mind.
Makes me homesick actually. For my Macon that involved cuddling with Jilly, sitting on the best grass in the neighborhood, take ones and walking Charlie. I want to meet broda at the pole and visit the lake with Duckie.
Those things are gone though, and I think that is what is bothering me. Things have changed, we have changed. Responsibilites, people, miles, age, everything has gotten in the way.
I am a wanderer now. No place to plant my roots. Only a year left at OU, and who knows what is after that. Atlanta, somewhere else?

No matter, I uprooted myself when Justin graduated and I moved out of Dempsey. For now I am a plant in a pot, waiting to be put back in the ground.
I don't have much luck with potted plants. I killed the plant my roommate and I had freshman year. (We named him Hope...with the hope he would not die), Hillary's tomato plant lost most of its leaves in my care, and the flowers I got at Kroger are looking shabby at best. Oh well, I have always been more of a fish-person that a plant-person, and Iggly is still alive. :)

I should probably change his water though...

...getting coffee

I can't sleep in past 10:30 anymore. Today I woke up at about 10, and stayed in bed for half an hour before waking up. I really love waking up early. 

Ok, that is not entirely true. I love the idea of waking up early, I love how much I get done by waking up early, and I love idea of sitting in a room with a big window drinking coffee, or orange juice, or something. 

It just never happens. Normally I wake up and go to work, not much time enjoying the big window in my common room.

Saturdays are my day off. (I am working working 40 hours a week now between my jobs. Big girl over here!) So today, I get to get things done. Marisa spent the night last night and we woke up and went for coffee and shared our lives. Honestly, I wish we could have sat at that table forever. 

Summer moments are perfect. 

I have learned a few things about the summer though. I go out to eat too much, and I spend too much money. 

I think I need to come up with a strategy to remedy this. I think only carrying cash would be a good place to start. If only getting to the bank was easier. 

Since this is my free day, I think I will make it productive. Lots of laundry and cleaning to be done. 

For now, happy days off. :) 

...in a cabin

Cabin fever. 

I feel so stuck. I feel like I want to go on a walk, get away, be with people completely unrelated. 

I have a headache. 

I am just always at this school always working, always with the same people. If I wanted to just go home, I can't. This is my home now and it is as dysfunctional as the one in Macon. 

Where am I supposed to retreat to when the only place I can keep to myself is suffocating? 

Some blogs don't get published and they are just for me. 

Maybe this problem is not even about you, but about me and I want to just talk it out. The cloud that is my head right now. 

But no, that is too much time together. 

I want to feel like I am a best friend worth having again. 

I am just done. so done. 

All I have is this stupid fish and phase 2. I want Dempsey. I want space. Space that is not public, or shared, or the size of a pea. 

I am really not thinking it is you. I think it is cabin fever infecting my part in this friendship. 

But, now it is too late to take things back, and I am stuck with what I said. 

I keep realizing that my life is real. That my actions are real and that what I am doing right now is so real and so important to my future. 

Sometime I think I am doing ok. 

People were so excited for me last week. Now I am just getting on people's nerves? My own nerves? 

The only place to vent is this stupid blog. I have lost some connections in Macon or frayed the ties so that they are only good for some things. All I have is what is here. I am afraid I am letting it slip away. 

Another thing that is not certain or solid in my life. Like finances, that terrifies me. 

Just because I won Lady Oglethorpe and used to have a lot of friends does not mean that I will always have them. Does not mean that they even like me now. 

Used to, when these things stressed me out, I had someone to vent to. A walk I could take or something. Now I feel a bit lost and grabbing at thin air. 

You told me that I came to you too much with my problems once, that I needed to go to someone else. I invested so much into you, I forgot how to go to others, or I lost the people who always knew how. 

I feel like I am losing people left and right. Connections, confidants, pets, family. And the thing is, my life is totally real, and this is really happening. I can't take it back and it is coming less naturally now. 

I think I will take a weekend in SC with my aunt because right now Atlanta is giving me cabin fever.

...on Ok Cupid

I messaged a cute boy back on OkC. Now, normally this does not warrant any kind of mention, but as Tes will testify, I NEVER message people back. 

I have a few rules for okc. 

You can't be too old (as in over 26) or too young (like 19), you have to be doing something with your life, and if you go to Tech (i.e. probably smart) instant boost. 

I have a few other rules, but I never message people back. 

The whole dating thing scares me I suppose. 

Confession. Blog is getting personal. 

I have never really dated. My experiences equal just above nada. It kind of sucks sometimes, and never makes you feel too pretty. Someone told me to try ock, just because all the compliments are nice. 

And there are no criteria for telling me how beautiful I am. ;) haha just kidding. But it is nice for attention that real life does not always give. 

I suppose I am not actually searching for anyone...but you know. (Maybe I tell myself that...I mean I am not actually not searching for anyone.) 

Disclaimer: I don't want yall to think that I assume that just because I messaged one person back that I think I have found my soul mate...not even.  It really is just so rare that I respond. 

oh and disclaimer #2: I really do love myself, and really do not stress about relationships and all that, and I do think I am pretty. I am happy and content with my life where it is at. If the only people I have to cuddle are my friends, that is ok. ;) 

But these are my thoughts for the day. 

Happy single days. 

...in the Plus size section.

So today Justin, Chad, Ida and I went shopping at the Outlet mall.

I was so excited. I had nothing I had to buy, a few things I wanted and a sizable budget. Seriously, I have not given myself a budget like that since...well ever. I suppose a long time ago when I still went back to school shopping with my parents, I got budgets like that (about $100)....but it has been a long time.

There is one thing that I forgot though.
Malls do not cater to my people.
Fat people. Plus sized women. While I have slimmed down a bit, not nearly enough to really enjoy mainstream mall shopping.

With that, I hit up the few places that might carry plus sized outfits catered to young people...and with a few things from the Gap, I ran out of shops pretty quickly.

I was feeling kind of disappointed. I had psyched myself up so much to have a fun and exciting shopping trip. A trip where I could let loose a little (within budget) and spoil myself. Other than buying a $15 shirt (which, I will admit, at Gap...sticker shock prevented more purchases than size...but yall, I am like those old ladies on What Not to Wear, if I can't get it for under $7, it is an argument with myself as to whether or not it is worth it), this trip was not living up to my expectations.

So as I was walking around, I see Claire's. Trusty old Claire's where every 12 year old girl, no matter the size, can get a Bieber purse and Jonas Brother (or whoever the next teenybopper star is) wallet.

With 30 minutes before I needed to meet everyone, I got my ears pierced. I got a second whole at the bottom. Summer 2012 = Summer of work and spontaneous decisions.

So here you are, I turned my trip around, because I did do something completely for me, something I had no reason to do.

Sometimes it is nice to spoil yourself, give yourself something that you do not need. Occasionally.

Happy Monday.