...21.

Today was a splendid day.

I went to the High Museum with Justin, did nothing for a while, lost the lottery, ordered pizza, and watched an awfully cute movie.

Plus, I looked awfully cute if I do say so myself. I learned a new braid on pinterest and tried it out today. Waterfall braid. I thought it was very pretty.

The High was wonderful.

There was this huge kaleidoscope piece which you can walk up to, whisper in, and a person 15 ft behind you can hear. It was so cool!

We also saw this artist KAWS who we had never heard of before, but the stuff was so cool! If you look closely, it is Spongebob!

Of course we saw the exhibit and then back to school. 

I think it was a pretty good day. 

I still wish I were 21 though. Friday night options would quadruple. 1.5 months right? 

Then that is the last age milestone until I'm 25. But hey, I will have all the benefits in just 1 and a half months. 

I can wait, then it will be more worth it right? 21 just in time to be unemployed for the summer. yay. 

Anyway, I am physically exhausted. I just stepped on a staple and had half of it shove into one of my toes. It was quite the task getting it out, used all my energy, but it stopped bleeding, and I am going to live. 

God night for now. 

...still a sophomore.

This will not be my most pleasant post...but hey, we all are entitled to a bad day or two right?

Maybe this was just my off day.

Today I don't want to feel like a burden anymore, a constant dread, or a formality. I want to feel like I was actually missed.

I don't want to post this blog, but I will, because I promised myself I would keep posting.
I don't want people to read it.

Right now I am nauseous.
I always get nauseous when I am upset, uncomfortable, or anxious. I hate it. It started last semester when I would get so overwhelmed and anxious that I felt like throwing up was the best option to ease my stomach. Of course I did not throw up because the nausea was my nerves and not actually my stomach.
And stuttering, ugh. I also started stuttering last semester when I got really anxious or upset. I just could not seem to find my words, even if I knew them, I tripped all over them. When I could slow my breath enough to get them out that is.
When I was getting the most anxious, I also started breathing short and shallow.
This never happened before, I never felt like my body was physically fighting off my emotions before then.

Right now I am just nauseous and trying not to be upset, because I said I would work on that, not getting upset. And in order to not be a burden, dreaded, or an obligation. Like that fish that you feed, not because you love it, but because that is what you do...you feed your fish so it won't die, you water your plants so they won't die, you appease Janet so she won't cry.

Of course I would rather talk about last semester. It was worse than right now, so it makes my current problems seem like little more than nuisances. I mean they are just inconveniences really. But I still kept help but think that the happy times were happier last semester. Sure, the times when I was upset were more regular than now...but I feel like I actually had fun and was not just spending my days trying to work on some problem that I have developed.

I want the air conditioning fixed in my room. I can sleep in heat though. For some reason that is not a problem at Oglethorpe. I want it fixed though. My bed is more comfy.

I do not want to be described to someone else in a text message.
I want to just watch tv, play a game or go shopping.
I do not want to be wrong anymore and I want to see the results of what I am trying to do.

I want to know what I will be doing this summer and where I will live. I want to be doing something productive.

I want to study the GRE, I do not want to feel so overwhelmed with next weeks assignment and I do not want to feel like I am letting someone down by not getting more As this semester.

I want people to feel like I am as valuable as I was last year.

I want to feel like these wants are warranted and justified and not just some rant for attention or a temporary replacement for tums or salt water.

I don't know what I want today. I think I just want last year back because right now I am tired and nauseous.


Always end on a happy note, High Museum and lunch with Ms. Janelle tomorrow.  And hey, blogs 2 days in a row...and my stomach really does feel much better. :)

If you actually read this, thanks for sticking out with me. I promise happy posts tomorrow about my absolutely beautiful day that I will have. It will be beautiful...because I  can make that happen.

...having a good hair day.

So it has been over a week since I posted.
I have an excuse for last week: no internet.
I have no excuse for earlier this week.
Getting back in the swing of things.

I did type entries during break. So expect a long Spring Break post soon!

Anyway, for today.

Today I am trying.
Trying to make a plan for my summer, next summer, future, everything.
I am trying to let things roll off my back and not get sensitive.
I am trying to get tanner.
I am trying to stay on top of my homework and get closer to As.
I am trying to not get too stressed thinking about everything I am trying to do.
I am trying to realize that homework and pleasant interactions is nothing compared to what other people might be trying to do today.
I am trying to not get on people's nerves.
I am trying to be quieter and act like an adult.
I am trying to dress better.
I am trying to be taken more seriously.
I am trying to be independent.
I am trying.

For the most part I am doing ok. Occasionally slipping up but that is ok. Those who don't try always fail. I am not a failure. So gotta keep trying.

I think I am doing pretty good :)
I wore a skirt today and sat in the sun. Lovely.

Plus look at my hair.

 <3 

Anyway, articles to look up, chapters to read, homework to do. 

More coherent and day to day post tomorrow. Tired now, and not being too successful at my attempt to not being stressed. Oh well, my hair looked good, so I mark it as a win. :) 

...at the Cherry Blossom Festival

Today was the kind of day that I have not had in a while. Full of people, full of relaxing and fun. Tomorrow will be even more full of people, but a little less relaxing. Packing.

Charleston bound on Sunday. I do not know if I will have internet to post, so blogging may go on a hiatus. But you know what, I need a break. 

I need to take this time and do something for people I do not know. I love doing that. I need to leave the luxuries of my room and the people I have gotten too comfortable around. 

It is Cherry Blossom Season. When I see the two trees on campus in bloom, I miss home. Part of me smiles because I feel like I am in on a secret that my classmates are not in on. I know what a cluster of these trees can look like. I know the impact they can have in bringing a community together. I know what it is like to drive through an archway of pink blossoms and to know that poodles, fountains, and Chick-fil-a icecream is always more enjoyable when it is pink. 

When I get a house, no matter where I live, I will have a Cherry Blossom tree. My little piece of home. 

Happy Spring. 

...a sunflower.

Today I decided to post in the middle of the day. Why? Because it is a beautiful day.

Last night was...interesting. I felt terrified and reassured, anxious and hopeful. By the end, I felt ok.

But today, today is wonderful. I mean look at the sun shining through the window by my cubical in the Library. 

\

Today I feel happy, refreshed, ready to work on things I need to be working on.

Today feels like a good last day. Good goodbye before a one week break. 

The day is not over yet, and it could end poorly. It could end up being the worst day of my life...but right now, that does not look likely, and right now, I want to remember today exactly as I view it now. Sunny and perfect. 

Simply Wonderful. 

...rocking a Skrillex haircut.

So I did something kind of nuts today. For real, I do not know why I was so calm the whole time. Maybe it is because everything works out in the end.

I let Justin cut my hair.

Not just a trim...he probably cut upwards of 6 inches...maybe more.

And no, he does not conform to some stereotype that gay men should be able to do a woman's hair better than she can. He does not even know how to braid...or pull hair in a ponytail for that matter.

You know what, it turned out pretty good actually.

Cheaper than a salon too, which is good because I have needed a cut, and have no money.
I am learning that while somethings, like haircuts, are nice, they are just luxuries.
I mean really. Is it so necessary that I get an expensive haircut? I will not be switching to home cuts any time soon, but it is something to think about.

How many things do I think are "necessary" but are easily replaced by a cheaper (even if temporary) alternative?

I have dyed my hair blue and pink, lied on the floor with my hair spread out on a towel while Charlotte ironed it, put purple, which faded into an awful grey, pop of color in my hair with Tes and now let Justin cut half my hair off. I think doing something crazy to my hair is a requirement to be my friend.

Position: Janet's Friend.
Description: must leave a mark on her hair.
I like it. You only live once right? And as long as I don't shave it off...hair is not that permanent.

He wanted to go a little crazy and I thought he was beginning to go nuts. He was so excited to cut it and could not stop laughing. He suggested I do my hair like Skrillex and shave half it off. I reminded him that this was my actual hair and I had to be seen in public with it...he calmed down pretty fast. Silly boy.

But hey, it is just hair after all. :)

No words today, just memories.

...taller than Mamaw.

Today was a mixture of wonderfully relaxing and totally overwhelming all wrapped up into one day.

I do not want to go into specifics really, so I think I will give an update on Mamaw and list my words.

Update:
Mamaw was moved to a rehabilitation nursing home today. I am not entirely sure how I feel about the situation. I know it is what is best for her. I have to remember that. remember. But I still can't help but selfishly think that Mamaw is endemic to the little beat-up house with a few too many cars in the yard and a few to many obviously-needed repairs, that I grew up in. She belongs there. like the paneling, she comes with the house.

I have lived with Mamaw my whole life. Same house. I was brought home from the hospital, to Mamaw. A lot has changed about my once "home," relatives have moved in and out like it is a motel, but the constant: Mamaw. I know, the nursing home is what is best. remember.

When I was little, I kept waiting for the day that I would be taller than Mamaw. She is less than 5', so it did not take long. I would measure myself next to her constantly, just waiting for the day that I did not have to look up to talk to her. Then it happened, I did not even notice, I was suddenly taller. Somehow I grew a foot overnight and missed the milestone.

Anyway, Mama says the place is really nice, and Mamaw has a roommate. She would love that, someone to talk to. We do not even know if it is permanent, but I think it should be...and it probably will be.

It does not bother me, but its a change. Things change. I have learned that fighting the changes creates a more stressful situation than adapting to it. Evolution is all about adapting right?

Adaption in friendship, study methods, living situations, even adapting your beverage when Taco Bell runs out of Mountain Dew. This happened the other day...Justin and I were beside ourselves, but being we adapted. Sierra Mist for me and Pepsi for him. Gotta do what you gotta do.

Words:
I managed to fit one in, but here are the other 4 (no sentences tonight, just words)
sycophants a self-serving flatterer; yes-man
intransigent  uncompromising; refusing to be reconciled
apocryphal  of questionable authority
circumspect  cautious, aware of potential consequences

...the NYPD.

I really feel too apathetic to post today. I feel like I have too much to do...of course I spent the last hour being silly with Justin and on Facebook. So no excuses. 5 new words, a whole day of thoughts. Blog post is a go.

So at Oglethorpe, psych students in the Advanced Experimental class are required to perform an experiment. My day today was consumed by these experiments. I love it actually, it kind of makes me want to run a study. However, I did mine online when I was in AE, so I did not have to deal with the inconvenience of personally running participants, which seems to almost make it not worth it.

Regardless, I like research. I think it has immeasurable potential. What I find frustrating is that in so many of my classes, we have learned the results of this data, but I am disheartened to see that it is not common knowledge or being used in our society. Maybe I have listened to Justin's rants too much.

I think that is why I like my psych and law class so much right now. What a better forum for the application of these studies than the judicial system? Of course, I still become frustrated when we read about cases in which this psychology findings are completely ignored.

But people could know it, it could have an impact.

I am glad I am in that class, because in all honesty, it is making my major worth it.

Well, I did not expect that tangent. Anyway, speaking on the topic, Caroline, the career counselor here, who helps direct my life and I have the utmost deference for, told me about an internship with the NYPD for the summer, and I really want to look into it. I mean, why not?

Inspired by one of my words, I have been thinking about APO a lately. My time as president is almost over. I really cannot believe a year has gone by so fast. I have to figure out who to slate, finish implementing the changes that I wanted to make, and just wrap this amazing opportunity up with a bang.

Figuring out who to slate will be hard. But the nice thing is I will be here to help them next semester. I think that is one of the benefits of having a Junior president. Instead of giving someone a binder and quick tutorial during the brief interregnum before they step up as president, you can actually be there, answering questions and just being a resource.

I will be a brother on the other side of the exec table next year. Honestly, just thinking about it is so relaxing. Don't get me wrong, I have loved being president but I am ready to just be a brother again and put more focus on the friendship and service principles.

So I was googling quotes to go with my last 2 words...and I came across the word antipathy and  empathy paired together.
My thoughts on the pairing: it is beautiful. What are seemingly two very distinct and mutually exclusive terms can actually be interwoven into motivation. Think about it, antipathy towards a situation, empathy towards a people and motivation towards a solution. Antipathy can be such a powerful motivator, at times dangerously so. However, if we channel this extreme dislike into something constructive...wow.
So, my sentiment on the matter...antipathy towards situations and not people.

And the last word. Well, there are no ignoble people in my life right now, so it just is not relevant.

Well, that was where my brain went tonight.
Now to read.

...in a pop art painting

So I still remember the 5 words I learned yesterday! However, Justin told me I used the word unequivocal incorrectly. You win some you lose some.

Anyway, new post, new words.

Well, my GRE box gave me a surfeit of bad mood words, but this not a bad mood post. In fact, I had a wonderful day.

Marisa spent the night last night. It was so nice to get to spend time with her even under the circumstances. We have not hung out much this year, which is so strange because over the summer we were together 24/7...literally. We stayed up until 6am. I know, I need to be getting more sleep.

The nice thing about Marisa is even if we have not been hanging out all the time, we still fall together seamlessly. I still feel totally comfortable opening up to Marisa about just about anything, and I am comforted that she feels this way too.

I think next year, when Tes is back and so many people have graduated, we will fall back into girls nights, caffeine fueled study sessions and fro yo dates. Unless everyone moving off campus prevents that. It worries me a little actually, that I will still be here, and they will all have apartments. I guess that is the benifit of being and RA in NOSO, my room will be like a baby apartment.

Anyway, after we woke up we had breakfast and then, like my typical Sunday, chapter all day.

After chapter I went to study in the Library with Justin. Do you know what he did? It was pretty spectacular.

 Well, I have been telling Justin forever that I really want to go see the exhibit that is at the High right now. It is on my bucket list, to see work by as many famous artists as I can, so we are going!

http://www.high.org/moma.aspx#/Picasso-to-Warhol/landing

He posted the receipt from purchasing tickets on my facebook wall. I saw while I was in the library. It made my day, put me in the most ebullient mood! I can't wait.

Well, 3 words left...the dyspetic, gloomy and grumpy words. I do not want to include these surly words and antagonize you with negative nancy type of sentences. But, I guess that was not so bad :)

So excited!

Sorry that my posts have becoming increasingly more desultory lately, I will try to be more connected tomorrow! 

...better at vocabulary

I took the GRE for the first time today. Just a practice test, but still. It is a sign that senior year is getting really close. I am going to be studying with Ali and Zac every Saturday from now until May, when Ali and I plan to take the test.

We took a practice test today to get our baseline scores. My scores:

Verbal: 155 (~530 on the old exam)

Quantitative: 147 (~580 on the old exam) 

I really don't know what that means.  I will not lie, as I graded this exam, I felt like there were more wrong than right, but Justin said compared to his baseline, it is really good. He is really smart...so I am really proud. And even if it is not good, it is the baseline, without studying...so I can only go up. :) 

I need to start learning this vocab. I have decided, since I am blogging everyday, I will choose 5 words to include in my blog. That way I will have some meaning added to them. I may not define them everytime, just use them, but they will always be underlined. 

For today, I will list them: 

Dupe: (v) to deceive; a person who is easily deceived

Nascent: (adj) starting to develop; coming into existence

Supplant: (v)  to replace (another) by force; to take the place of

Unequivocal: (adj) absolute, certain

Desultory: (adj) jumping from one thing to another; disconnected 

Now, the task of incorporating these words in the most seamless way possible without making this post a desultory jumble of thoughts serving as an ineffective study method masked by a lame excuse for a blog entry. 

You know what studying for the GRE has me thinking about? the fact that I am almost a senior. Watching Justin this past year has made me realize the impact that this coming year, and the decisions I make during it, can potentially make on my life. 

In just over 1 year the comfort of my unequivocal life at Oglethorpe will be supplanted by adulthood. Meaning I have a lot of decisions to make between now and then, a lot of things to figure out. 

I have been trying to figure out what I want to do with my life so I can determine what my next steps should be. Right now all I have are nascent plans which do not actually mean anything. Good thing I have a year right? 

I really want to figure it out now though because I need to choose bet a move on becoming an expert at something.

See, Justin and I have a theory. You get to be an expert at 5 things in your life. You can know a lot about other things, but you get 5 expert things. He has used at least 2 already: Psychology and Pokemon.
I have used 0. I need to get on it.
What would be better than using my very first expert thing to be what I jump start the rest of my life with? It would be lovely. Work in progress. 

Well, I am tired so I suppose I will go to bed now.

I still have one more word. So I will leave you with this: 

Don't be duped by your alarm clock today. It is Daylight savings, change your clocks! :) 

I will get better at working those in. Promise. 

...a turtle

It is 4:40am. One more load. Unfortunately, it is the most crucial load...sheets.

I am sooo sleepy, but as I promised myself, a post about the ups of today. Today really had more ups than downs.

While I would love to go into detail, I need to take a shower before my sheets dry, and that gives me 15 minutes.

So, the list:
Today I...

• laid in bed for about 1 hour after I woke up, because I had no where to be
• cleaned my room, and did my laundry
• spontaneous trip to Brusters with Justin
• routine trip to Taco Bell with Justin 
• Gave blood, saved 3 lives. 
• got some important stuff done
• watched videos online
• enjoyed myself. 

I would mark the day as one of those ordinary days which you don't really remember, but when all added together, they are the days that are my favorite. 

This may be the cutest thing I have ever seen. I found it on pinterest today, it lights up my life. 

8 minutes left to shower, then sleep. 

...on a different ride.

Today had the potential to be great...and some of it was.
But there were a lot of those uncomfortable moments where I knew that I messed up. I have to learn to shut my mouth, hold my tongue, stand my ground and admit I'm wrong. Work in progress I guess.

It is a laundry day. Laundry Days are my worst days, maybe that is why I wait until the last possible minute to do laundry...Usually I end up spilling half my bottle of fabric softener or detergent...at least I did not spill anything today. :) For right now that is good.

But, I know that before I go to sleep, it will be ok. And, I am much better at handling it, last semester I would cry, day ruined. Game over.

Maybe it is nap days...I took a nap today, last time I took a nap, I was grumpy then too. Maybe I just expect to much. I know I do and it is not fair.

Actually, I know what the problem is...I have let my reactions get the best of me and I need to learn to keep them to myself, especially when I know they are unfair. Work in progress.

I don't know if I will post this one to facebook...its kind of melodramatic...no, I am trying to get better at this. at the whole putting what I am feeling into words thing. I will post it...but tonight, when I am in a better mood, I will post about the up parts of my roller coaster day...like the part where I saved 3 lives.

I think those words get me in the most trouble actually. 

for now, I think my clothes are Dry. Just 3 more loads.

...napping.

It is finally here! NAP DAY. It is my favorite day, because it means that I feel like I have tackled enough to warrant some me-time.

I don't really like me-time, and I rarely take it. Well, that is not entirely true, I have plenty of me-time, but my definition generally involves someone else, or a group of people, this whole alone thing...meh, not my cup of tea.

Today has been wonderful. Simply wonderful. I took my exam in Abnormal, and I know I did not do as well as I would have liked, but I got my test back in Psych and Law...A! 93. With that and the 100 on my paper...I might even be looking at an A in the class, not an A-...but an A. Big deal.

Anyway, Pachan (my sister) has been commenting on my posts a lot lately, so I want to dedicate this post to her.

I know, I have been so sappy lately, dedicating posts to people...but the way I feel, when you have a hard week and come out on top, you have to let the people who made it easier know that they, even in just the slightest way, made your life that much more manageable.

So...to Pachan.

Three cheers for finally being on the other side of this week. 

Hogwarts Day

Sensation and Perception test

Psych and Law Midterm

Abnormal midterm

With helping Justin with his stuff and Mamaw being in the hospital added into the mix...it is good to be done! 

You know what dedicating this post to Pachan has me thinking about? How much I love my family. I do not love my home, but I adore my family.

Since I got into college, someone has been in the hospital every year. First, right before I moved in Freshman year, my mommy had a heart attack followed by TIAs (which are essentially mini strokes)  She then had them on and off throughout my freshman year, and even a few my sophomore year. The TIA's messed up her memory a bit, and with that and her work switching to more computer based operations, my mom had to stop working. 

Then Spring semester of my freshman year, my dad had to be in the hospital. Staff infection. It cost him his foot, and we had to make some big changes. 

And now Mamaw, broken leg, dislocated shoulder, and broken clavical. (I think that is how it is spelled) 

Needless to say, they might as well rename the hospital after my family. 

Everyone is doing great now! My mom is finally relaxing, my dad got a prosthetic and can drive again and I got to talk to Mamaw yesterday. 

But my favorite thing is that it really brought us all closer. I think it showed every member of the Wood family how much we appreciate each other and how valuable we are to each other. We may have a loud, dysfunctional family, with inconvenient circumstances...but no matter what, we have each other and we will find a way to make it work. 

Just thoughts. Now, nap time. 

...sleeping in tomorrow.

Today was the Drag Show. Justin killed it! He won, of course...because when he does something, he really does it. While he is one of the most intelligent and thoughtful people I know, what inspires me more is that he just puts everything he has into everything he does and it shows. 

Not only were his acts wonderful, but the entire show was as well...and he planned most of it. That's my big brother. NBD. 

But what I liked more than the show was that we went to Taco Bell afterwards and it was so much fun. I feel like we have both been so busy lately all out time together has been mostly just helping the other plan for the next event or studying, so it was nice to just have fun. 

I love him.

You know what is nice about these past few weeks though? We have been so helpful to each other. When we are on the same page...big things can get done. Unstoppable. 

This semester is wonderful. I feel so much more on top of everything this semester. Last semester I was anxious ALL the time and did not feel on top of anything. I doubted everything I did, even my interactions with my friends. This semester, I feel so in control, so on top of things, and so capable. 

So capable and it is wonderful. 

Good Great mood today. Now to study for my test on Depression...ironic. 

...eating fro yo.

So Ronshalee came and went. I spent the majority of the time she was here either in the Library, in my exam, or unconscious. We salvaged it today though. After my exam (which went fine...but was 2.5 hours long for me) Ronshalee, Audri and I went to NEWKs for lunch and Marble Slab for dessert. It was wonderful. All we need was Jade and it would be like freshman year all over again.

 I loved it. I love Ronshalee.

You know some people would be so annoyed that I abandoned them to study, but Ronshalee understands. She always understands. I love it.

You know what, I think I will dedicate this post to my roommates. 

Dear Tes, Marisa, and Ronshalee,

I miss yall.

I miss Karaoke.

I miss being Manuel-handled. 

I miss singing Lion King to Tes. 

I miss trying to convince Tes to take us somewhere. 

I miss fro-yo runs, and seeing Naked men during them.

I miss drinking insane amounts of coffee

I miss breaking into Ronshalee's room. 

I miss how cute we are together. 

I miss shampoo fights. 

I miss 204. 

I love yall so much! 

Tes, come home? (I ask at least once a week...because one day soon she will be saying yes!) 

Wife, re-marry me? (because I am not sure of our current marital status)

Ronshalee, can I be Jonshalee? (I know you will say no)

Sincerely, 

the roommate who never actually lived with yall. :) 

..home.

Mamaw is in the hospital. She broke her leg and might need surgery.
I know it does not seem that serious, but to me, right now...it is.
She is 96 and has a heart murmur. I really don't know what that means, or what that might mean for surgery. Honestly, I really don't know much at all. But I am kind of scared.
Mamaw raised me while my mom worked and I lived with her my whole life. I have not talked to her since I went home for Christmas Break. I feel horribly guilty about it. I will call and talk to her tomorrow.
She will probably ok, and I know that, but with the stress of this exam, the fact that is is 1am and that I am tired and cold...all these things combined make me a bit more nervous that I should be.
Then again, who gets to say how nervous I am allowed to get? me.
I think I will silently pretend that everything is ok. :) It makes me miss home, because at home...I never had to be silent and if I was, my friends would not let me be for long. They knew exactly how to react, they knew when I needed a bit more attention than I was letting on. That is 13+ years of friendship in the making. I want to be home in Macon.
I love the people here, they react wonderfully, but in Macon, Mamaw is everyone's Mamaw, and no one will understand like the people who were partially raised by Mamaw too.
That is one thing I really missed about home, when something happened, big or small, the whole crew was at my house before I could call my mom to ask if they could come over. We roll deep in Macon, or at least my friends do.
I really am ok, I promise. :) Just silently overwhelmed and stressed, give me until 12:15 tomorrow, and I will breath easy.
But for now, Psych in Law.


Send good thoughts my way for this exam.
And send good thoughts Mamaw's way so that she can get some sleep tonight and the pain meds help.

...on the other side of this week.

This week I have 3 exams and I do not feel prepared for any of them. In fact, I do not feel prepared for much right now.

You know when you have those moments when you suddenly feel very anxious, and you stutter, and retreat into your body like a turtle into a shell. Except you don't have a shell so you just look kind of awkward, backing away from everything with your hands curled up by your stomach.

Reality is I have 3 exams this week, and I just want to blog. I want it to be Spring Break or last week when I had more time. Reality is I need to be studying right now.

I hate letting people see me feel vulnerable. Last time I did that, my semester became one big anxiety attack and my emotions went a little haywire. Justin was a good sport though. For the most part he let me be nuts and taught me the wonders of taking three deep breaths.

They really help you know. Keep you from getting short shallow breaths. I am a pro at short shallow breaths, and shivering...but not like goosebumps, external shivering, like shivering from the inside out. Quivering, I think it might be...who knows. All I know, is I will not have that anxiety come back. No ma'am.

Exam.
Ok. Goals. I will set goals for myself. I get to continue this blog after I finish answering 5 questions. Go time.

[intermission]

So I got way more than 5 questions done, am almost done with these questions and feel super calm. :)

go me.

It always passes, anxiety. Before every exam, paper, whatever. I get a few minutes of being anxious, enough to kick me in the ass and buckle down. Last semester I let the anxiety become debilitating. It was not pleasant. This semester, I am realizing that letting it be a kick in the pants and not overwhelm me works wonders. And hey, hopefully my grades reflect the progress.

wish me luck.

...eating a Jack fruit

You know what I want to do today?
absolutely nothing.

You know what I have to do today?
answer Sensation and Perception questions and Psych and Law questions.

Actually, I don't want to do nothing. I want my friend Tes to come back. (I know it seems like all my friends have left me) Tes has been at Oxford this whole semester. Normally I let my "inner girly side" out with her. We go get our hair cut, go thrift store shopping, hookah at her apartment...and our favorite afternoon outing? Trying new bizarre foods at the Buford Highway farmers market.

Tornadoes came through last night...and I have not been outside yet, but from the sunlight shining through the skylight in my dorm, this seems like the perfect afternoon for a Girls Day.

You know what is nice about skylights? Weather is rarely scary when you see it through one. Take last night for instance. The rain hitting the glass was more relaxing than any sound soother you could download in the app store. The lightning...lit up my whole room like a light show and I did not even consider that it was actually deadly volts of electricity.  And this morning, I have no idea what the ground looks like. I have no idea if there are limbs down or leaves everywhere. All I know is that the sunlight shining through my skylight is so warm and inviting and the sky is clear, from here it looks like a lovely day.

I think I am beginning to see the dangers of a limited view of the world. If you look at it only through your limited skylight, everything can seem perfect, and you have no idea what is happening just 3 stories below you. From their windows, it was a storm, from mine it was a lullaby.

I will miss this dorm, the skylight, the ladybugs that have made my room home. I am an RA in Dempsey and it is more my home than my real home. Everything I own is here, and in uprooting my pre-college life, I did not notice that I was re-potting myself at Oglethorpe, in Dempsey.

Next year everything changes, Justin leaves, I leave Dempsey...no more skylight.
But hey, Tes gets back...girls day resume and life goes on.

North Magbee, bring it. I am getting ready for the change, for the normalcy of Tes, haircuts and jack fruit. When everything else changes, that settles back into place. :)

Alright Senior year, I am one step closer to being ready to accept your challenges.
For now...Junior year midterms to study for.
Happy Saturday.

...a wizard

A second post? I know, I am doing good. :)

So Hogwarts Day is over. Remember when I was freaking out last night. Yeah, it went so smooth today that I feel like I must be forgetting something. Oh yeah, that I have 3 exams to study for this weekend. Where is a time turner when I need it?

I only had one panic moment today, i would call that a success.  See whut had happened wuz, Justin let me borrow his car for the day (let me tell you, I needed it!) and I thought I lost his key. I freaked. But, with the help of Ali and Jos, it was found and the day continued.

I love people. For real, I do not know what I would have done today if I did not have so many people that I could rely on. Ali and Tatiana who helped plan and run the event were my life savers. Like I am pretty sure that I now need daily doses of each of them to make it through my life. And....there is not any other group of people that run as deep as APO - Mu Mu.

APO is the fraternity that I am the president of. Every where I went today there were brothers asking what I needed. :) Especially my greatgrand little Nicole. I love her. She indulged my silly moments, which kept me from getting stressed and basically helped with everything. Leadership, Friendship, and Service. all day, everyday.

Anyway, in other news...JUSTIN IS BACK!!!
He is next to me right now playing pokemon actually. I am kind of watching, but honestly, I like watching him play Zelda more...it is more interesting and the character squeak less. I kind of do not understand the appeal of pokemon...or any video game really, but to each his own.

I don't really have much to say tonight, and what I do have is more of a jumble of words than coherent thoughts.


Take home message:

• people are wonderful
• I can handle anything
• everything is less stressful with my friends around
• you should not judge my writing by my blog because so far the trend is that I write it at the end of the day, when I am too tired to be coherent. 

...A ballerina

So I have a habit of trying so hard to avoid doing what some people just did that I sometimes keep myself from doing the things I want to do. Let me elaborate, I don't mean this in the hipster way, I just mean if everyone I know is starting a blog...I am painfully embarrassed for people to know I started one too.

I know, ridiculous. 

Take the other day, I went to Chick fil A with Justin and I knew EXACTLY what I wanted. Justin ordered before me, ordered the same thing I was planning to...so when it was my turn, I ordered a different drink. I had to change it up...I COULD NOT order what he just ordered. 

I know, ridiculous.

Anyway, I am trying to break that habit, because it is just dumb. Since I have wanted to blog for a while, have become obsessed with reading my classmates blogs, and tried and failed to keep one over the summer, I figured I would suck it up, and start one. 

Step one: Admit you have a problem.

Step 2: start a blog.

So here it goes...post number one: 

Hogwarts Day is tomorrow. I planned it. I PLANNED IT. I am kind of freaking out. I am not worried it will fail, I am more worried about the stress I know I will feel with 10 people asking me questions and knowing that I am constantly in a rush. 

I imagine this is what a ballerina feels like. After I finish one move successfully, I have the next step to transition into. I won't have time to stop and enjoy each piece of the day until it is all over. 

Everyone else gets to relax and enjoy every moment, and I get to relax at the end. Take my bow when the song is over. 

But, you know what I am looking forward to about tomorrow? Bed time.

 For 2 reasons: 

1. It will be over, and I can put my feet up and my tension level down. 
2. My friend Justin will be back! Being stressed out without him here has not been fun. (he is in New York for a Grad School interview...I know he is kind of a big deal and super impressive)

The way I am looking at tomorrow is that it might suck and everything will go wrong or it might be the best event the campus has ever seen, but it does not matter. Because in a few months, all people will remember about Hogwarts Day 2012 is the free t-shirt. :) 

To let you in on a secret...I am actually kind of excited.