...in a cabin

Cabin fever. 

I feel so stuck. I feel like I want to go on a walk, get away, be with people completely unrelated. 

I have a headache. 

I am just always at this school always working, always with the same people. If I wanted to just go home, I can't. This is my home now and it is as dysfunctional as the one in Macon. 

Where am I supposed to retreat to when the only place I can keep to myself is suffocating? 

Some blogs don't get published and they are just for me. 

Maybe this problem is not even about you, but about me and I want to just talk it out. The cloud that is my head right now. 

But no, that is too much time together. 

I want to feel like I am a best friend worth having again. 

I am just done. so done. 

All I have is this stupid fish and phase 2. I want Dempsey. I want space. Space that is not public, or shared, or the size of a pea. 

I am really not thinking it is you. I think it is cabin fever infecting my part in this friendship. 

But, now it is too late to take things back, and I am stuck with what I said. 

I keep realizing that my life is real. That my actions are real and that what I am doing right now is so real and so important to my future. 

Sometime I think I am doing ok. 

People were so excited for me last week. Now I am just getting on people's nerves? My own nerves? 

The only place to vent is this stupid blog. I have lost some connections in Macon or frayed the ties so that they are only good for some things. All I have is what is here. I am afraid I am letting it slip away. 

Another thing that is not certain or solid in my life. Like finances, that terrifies me. 

Just because I won Lady Oglethorpe and used to have a lot of friends does not mean that I will always have them. Does not mean that they even like me now. 

Used to, when these things stressed me out, I had someone to vent to. A walk I could take or something. Now I feel a bit lost and grabbing at thin air. 

You told me that I came to you too much with my problems once, that I needed to go to someone else. I invested so much into you, I forgot how to go to others, or I lost the people who always knew how. 

I feel like I am losing people left and right. Connections, confidants, pets, family. And the thing is, my life is totally real, and this is really happening. I can't take it back and it is coming less naturally now. 

I think I will take a weekend in SC with my aunt because right now Atlanta is giving me cabin fever.