Saturday, June 23, 2012

...future-Janet

I wish I were future Janet, because she has all the secrets. She knows how things turn out...and even better than that, she knows how I get there.

I will probably make 2 posts tonight. I will post about my day later. :)

For now, something that has been weighing on my mind a lot recently. 

What do I do after this year? 

I can't stop thinking about it. Saving money in preparation has become something of an obsession. With the exception of going out on my tip money, I am constantly thinking about chipping away at the student loan debt.

It is one thing that I know for sure will benefit future-Janet.
I have a really bad habit of putting a lot of undue stress on future-Janet. Need to pack? Oh, tomorrow-morning-Janet will do it. Need to pay my dues? Oh, next-month's-paycheck-Janet will do it.
I do not want my loans to become 6-months-out-of-college-Janet's problem when cupcake-saleswoman-Janet can take care of some of the debt now. 

I am slowly becoming more comfortable with becoming an adult. I am responsible for ALL my financial obligations. I am getting a new phone on Monday, and I have already paid off my cell phone bill for a year. I even made a rule. No smart phone until half of my loans are paid off. Well, at least no smart phone on my dime. (If I work for a company willing to give me an iphone...who am I to turn it down?) 

I am supposed to study for and take the GRE this summer. Right now though, I do not even know if I want to go to Grad school right away. I know I should just take it anyway, get the test out of the way...but maybe I am scared. Maybe that it means a commitment to something, a step into my uncertain future.

Ok, confession. What I am really most terrified about is getting stuck. We all get stuck somewhere, eventually. I just don't want to look at my life and be happy because I made the most of a circumstance, or of a place. I am so scared that I will fall into a trap that will limit and stifle my growth. I want to make the most of my life, not just the most of my location or my financial situation. 

Ah. I want to go to grad school right away, but I do not know for what. I really have no idea where to start. So take a step into my future, and I am not even sure what I will step out onto? That does not seem like a good ides. I mean I did OU on a whim and that turned out great...but I am not ready to commit my life to a whim.

Then, what if I don't go to school? Well, I have 6 months to find a job. 
A job that at least covers a place to stay and preferably health insurance. Because, right now, my parents can't afford to have me back home (I don't want to move back to Macon anyway) and without OU, I lose both my health insurance and secure residence. Once I have those things squared away will I even be able to contribute to student loan debt? 

So that is where I'm at right now. I am trying to figure out how to not get stuck.
I suppose step one and 2 are GRE and tackle these loans. Those have to get done regardless. 

Can I be in the security of the bubble forever? I mean, I do not want to work at OU, I don't want to stay in Atlanta, or the south east actually....I want something new. But I want what OU represents. Home and support. I want to always be surrounded my Ogle-family and know that I will at least have a bed in Dempsey to crash on at night.

Grown ups move on though. They take on new challenges, and I suppose leaving behind my castle-shaped security blanket will by my biggest challenge yet. Gotta do what you gotta do. 

Happy Thoughts. :) 

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