...still a sophomore.

This will not be my most pleasant post...but hey, we all are entitled to a bad day or two right?

Maybe this was just my off day.

Today I don't want to feel like a burden anymore, a constant dread, or a formality. I want to feel like I was actually missed.

I don't want to post this blog, but I will, because I promised myself I would keep posting.
I don't want people to read it.

Right now I am nauseous.
I always get nauseous when I am upset, uncomfortable, or anxious. I hate it. It started last semester when I would get so overwhelmed and anxious that I felt like throwing up was the best option to ease my stomach. Of course I did not throw up because the nausea was my nerves and not actually my stomach.
And stuttering, ugh. I also started stuttering last semester when I got really anxious or upset. I just could not seem to find my words, even if I knew them, I tripped all over them. When I could slow my breath enough to get them out that is.
When I was getting the most anxious, I also started breathing short and shallow.
This never happened before, I never felt like my body was physically fighting off my emotions before then.

Right now I am just nauseous and trying not to be upset, because I said I would work on that, not getting upset. And in order to not be a burden, dreaded, or an obligation. Like that fish that you feed, not because you love it, but because that is what you do...you feed your fish so it won't die, you water your plants so they won't die, you appease Janet so she won't cry.

Of course I would rather talk about last semester. It was worse than right now, so it makes my current problems seem like little more than nuisances. I mean they are just inconveniences really. But I still kept help but think that the happy times were happier last semester. Sure, the times when I was upset were more regular than now...but I feel like I actually had fun and was not just spending my days trying to work on some problem that I have developed.

I want the air conditioning fixed in my room. I can sleep in heat though. For some reason that is not a problem at Oglethorpe. I want it fixed though. My bed is more comfy.

I do not want to be described to someone else in a text message.
I want to just watch tv, play a game or go shopping.
I do not want to be wrong anymore and I want to see the results of what I am trying to do.

I want to know what I will be doing this summer and where I will live. I want to be doing something productive.

I want to study the GRE, I do not want to feel so overwhelmed with next weeks assignment and I do not want to feel like I am letting someone down by not getting more As this semester.

I want people to feel like I am as valuable as I was last year.

I want to feel like these wants are warranted and justified and not just some rant for attention or a temporary replacement for tums or salt water.

I don't know what I want today. I think I just want last year back because right now I am tired and nauseous.


Always end on a happy note, High Museum and lunch with Ms. Janelle tomorrow.  And hey, blogs 2 days in a row...and my stomach really does feel much better. :)

If you actually read this, thanks for sticking out with me. I promise happy posts tomorrow about my absolutely beautiful day that I will have. It will be beautiful...because I  can make that happen.